Violated.

I’m feeling very violated currently.  If you hurt me,  I expect you to apologize. .whether or not you think my feelings are justified.   As someone in a relationship that is even more important because the emotional health of your partner depends on it.

For someone who has so many rules of engagement for interaction and so many hoops for me to jump through,  he refuses to honor hardly any of my preferences.

He frequently demands apologies for things I don’t feel I should apologize for.  I do it anyway.

He demands those apologies be delivered in a certain manner.  I do it.

I frequently apologize for things that I know have upset him proactively.

He seldom apologizes to me.

He had temper tantrums that rival the most stubborn 5 year old.

He considers me asking questions having issues with him. Examples he gave me yesterday:

Asking “where are the glasses? ” is an ok question.

Asking “why is the butter out? ” is a fault finding,  fact finding mission that qualifies as having a problem with him and is unacceptable.

I’m not allowed to have issues or complaints but that’s all he has with me.

He wants to say he wants me to have a day with no issues with him.  I try very hard, we snuggled for two hours this morning.  We wete doing great until I sat on the bed next to him and he complained about my body odor.  Normally I shower first thing but I didn’t today.  I shower twice a day but I have issues as a bigger girl. He knows I shower every day, twice a day.  Yet he made a comment despite my asking him 3x in the past week not to. Then I tell him he hurt my feelings and he doubles down.

I asked him to apologize and his responsne was to say “I’m sorry that you got butt hurt over my being upset that your odor was so rank it made me nauseous and I found it offensive. ”

I refused to accept that.  I’m done accepting sorry, abusive and shitty behavior out of him.

He threatened to hit me this weekend.  I was trying to have a conversation and he tried to throw me out of our bedroom, after he locked me out. Note to self,  I need a narrow screw driver for our doors. When I refused to leave he said “go away from me or I will knock you flat on your ass and you will be out cold. ”

My response was to tell him to go ahead and hit me and I would end our relationship right then and call the police and send him to jail for assault.  He told me that no judge would convict him after the way I treat him.

After that he told me that he is trying to effect change in my behavior and my refusal to take correction is appalling.

I responded that is not 1952 and not his job to correct me.  That is reserved for my dad and my boss. To which he called me a reprobate.

Last night I told him it is ridiculous that he is so controlling and I refuse to be controlled.  His response was that is what will destroy our relationship. I don’t understand being this way at all.

I’m just so hurt. b I feel like I was deceived.

Am I being unfair?

Is it unfair of me to think that it is unacceptable for my man to refuse to have sex with me more than 1x a week?  He won’t even do it that often.  We haven’t even been together a year – shouldn’t the beginning of a relationship be the time when you want to fuck like rabbits?  I feel like he intentionally withholds sex because he feels his need isn’t met.  He wont’ come to day shift at work – do you know why? Because he’s afraid he won’t get enough time with his porn.  He worries that if he ever does that when i’m home that it will hurt me and i’ll cry.  WELL NO SHIT SHERLOCK.  you won’t fuck me but you will sit there and masturbate..  you withdraw from me and choose to look at other women over touching your woman – the one you claim to love and cherish.

I don’t feel very loved or cherished right now.  I feel so lonely and unloved.  Right now, I just want to be with someone who will treat me like i deserve.

i’m depressed…

I keep looking for a reason to lose weight but can’t find one.  well that’s not true.  i’m ashamed of the only reason i can find to lose weight.

If I lose weight then i’ll be more attractive to a potential mate after this relationship is over.  i’m just really unhappy and disenchanted after being neglected for so long. I don’t even want sex with him anymore.  I cry about that.  I don’t really want much of anything with him anymore.  He has pushed me to my very furthest limit.so i’m to the point that i don’t know how much longer i can hang on and that makes my heart break.  i’m considering cheating on him. because yes, i want to get mine but i don’t want him to be able to get his unless it’s with me.  he’s deprived me and neglected me to this point.

i’m just hurting and it will take a lot to remedy all of this.

Welcome 2017. Bye-bye 2016.

Out with the old.  In with the new. or something like that.

So  – i’m trying to eat better so i can lose weight.  I’ve gained so much weight since July 2015 its ridiculous.  i feel pretty yucky about it.  The DJ has been giving me a hard time about it and according to him, the reason we aren’t intimate more is because I’ve gained weight and the physics of that make it hard to be intimate.  To me that translates to – we don’t have sex because I am fat.  He says that’s absolutely not the case.  I think he’s lying to me and possibly himself about that.

On Christmas he was like “So, We don’t have kids for a week, how would you like it if I just came in every morning and gave it to you real good…would you stop complaining then?” I said ‘Hell yeah I would, but you know- I don’t want to be disappointed so you can go for every day for a week but tell me you are going to go for 2x in a week.’  He said okay and then monday comes and goes and he makes zero effort.  Tuesday morning he comes in and doesn’t try and we fight.  Wednesday morning he comes in and makes no effort…again with the fighting.  He says the whole reason he doesn’t make an effort is because I make him feel like such shit that he can’t sleep so then he’s tired.  i think he feels like shit because he knows i’m right.  He’s admitted to that before.

He makes no effort thursday and then Friday we both skipped work to spend it together.  No effort.  No effort saturday. We had a hell of a fight saturday night AND AGAIN Sunday early morning.  He did admit to me on friday that he’s being a dick to me on purpose.

he said that i’m so impatient when it comes to sex that every time we have sex and i’m impatient in waiting for him to get in the mood that he makes me wait longer and longer till the next time we have sex.  That isn’t fair at all.  What he’s upset about is he’ll be like “let’s go lay down and spend time together.” We’ll lay down for an hour and a half and I reach a point where i’m starting to nod off and i’ll try to touch him sexually and he tells me “NO! WAIT!” well what the fuck are we waiting for? I get upset then and i’m like “What are we waiting for?” He gets upset that i’m rushing him.

This afternoon we were getting along relatively well and we had this interaction:

“Honey did you see how many people thought it was funny that picture of me was where i fell asleep gaming?”

Me: “I did.  did you see what your brother said?”

Him: “Yeah, HAHA, getting soft!  He’s just mad because he doesn’t have time to game anymore since they have 3 little ones.”

Me: Yep.  We have two little ones.

Him: Yes and i’d spend more time with the girl if she’d listen and behave.

me: Why do you have to go there? Maybe she’d behave better if we spent more time with her.

Him: *Launches into a diatribe about how she needs bootcamp and to be barked at like a grunt in the marine corps*

He then proceeds to trump this up into a huge argument and he flips the dick switch on and becomes the interrupting cow and just….I don’t have patience for that level of complete and total bullshit.

Buying Christmas gifts for yourself…

Every year I buy gifts to myself and then let the kids wrap them and put my name on them for under the tree. My kids are 7 and 9 years old this Christmas.  My friend SV used to take the kids shopping and help them wrap gifts for me for my birthday and Christmas. (for informational reference: SV is my therapist’s wife)

(Talkin bout those Blurrrrrrred Liiiiiiiiiines)

(SV was my friend long before my therapist was my therapist.  I chose him because of his talent as a therapist and my level of trust I already have for him)

This Christmas I have seen things to end all else.  If I see something that I REALLY want…I will put ‘To that girl, from Santa’ on it and put it out Christmas night. I don’t try to pass off a new laptop for me as a gift to my kids.  That’s ridiculously selfish if i count it as a gift to them….

Continue reading Buying Christmas gifts for yourself…

Idealize, Devalue and Discard…I’m trapped somewhere between the last two.

Preface:

I want to preface this by saying that this is what i’m dealing with currently:  The girl is off the fucking chain currently.  Her behavior is atrocious.  Yesterday she wouldn’t do the dishes properly. (This is her only chore – that and keep her room clean)  She was picking the dishes up like a walrus with reversed flippers.  She was told to do a write off, write 25 times “I will do the dishes and i will do them right.”  Then we found some slime she got all over the house and i had to steam clean EVERYTHING to get rid of it.  she blamed the DJ.  so she also had to write “I Will not blame others for my mistakes” 25 times.  I drop her and her brother off at the dance academy.  they promise me that she’ll do the write offs.  I pick her up and don’t check, we get home and the DJ DOES check.  he’s much better at follow through with that shit than i am.  My brain is like swiss cheese from the lamictal that I take .

He gets angry that she hasn’t done her write off and tells me that if she can’t act any better than that … he’s done in our relationship.  I’ve cooked dinner and he goes to work after eating.  She does the dishes and is in the process of doing her write off when he comes back from work.  He informs me that he could have gone out with a hot woman from work but he chose to come back to me because he’s loyal AND by the way he Christmas shopped for me and spent more money on me this Christmas than he’s spent at all over the past 10 Christmases so i should feel loved.  But he reiterates that if the girl doesn’t get her shit together then he’s done.  We make her sit in the corner (At the urging of her biological father) until the first write off is done then let her go to bed.

I moved back into the bedroom and we held each other most of the night.  Things seemed better…Then she lied about her punishment today, didn’t do the write off she had left and didn’t do all of the dishes like she was supposed to while i was at work and the DJ was sleeping.  Now he’s laying in our bed pouting telling me not to make him make this decision on Christmas.  WHY THE HELL IS EVERYTHING COMING TO A HEAD RIGHT NOW?? Oh i can tell you why…..

There is a dizzying cycle that occurs in relationships with someone who has NPD.  I told him tonight I think he has NPD and he told me to get out of our bedroom.

Behind the cut: Our story and how it relates to this cycle

Continue reading Idealize, Devalue and Discard…I’m trapped somewhere between the last two.

Sometimes Goodbye is a Second Chance

I try to leave all identifying specifics out of my blog because the hope is that the DJ won’t have definitive proof this is me and no one at work can accidentally stumble upon this and decide to flip out and share this information publicly at work.

I have a tattoo on one of my arms that says “Don’t wanna live as an untold story”  It’s a reminder to me of the Struts song “Could’ve been me” where they talk about positives and negatives in general of everything.  everything is a double edged sword.  It also means to me that I need to remember to live out loud instead of living as a mouse like i have for so long.

I want another two – one that says “Sometimes Goodbye is a second chance” and the other one to say “We accept the love we think we deserve”

Tonight I was told to “Fuck off” by the DJ as he screamed at me over the phone before hanging up on me rather harshly.  He did apologize rather profusely but apologies only mean something if you don’t repeat the same mistakes.  this is the fifth time he’s yelled at me after he woke up.

I’m literally unsure how to proceed.  He called me 5 times and i missed all 5 calls before i called back.  I intentionally dilly dallied so that the kids and I would arrive home after I knew he was gone.  I haven’t seen him since yesterday evening.  I probably won’t see him until Friday Morning.  That’s probably a great thing.  Maybe it’ll be enough time for us to miss each other. I’m very hurt at this point though and i don’t know if there is any going back.  I think more and more often about leaving.  I think more and more about being with other men.  I talked to D tonight. He is someone who i’ve loved for a long time and he offered me a second chance to be together tonight.  Even though he’s engaged.

it’s complicated.

my heart is in tatters.  I was made to cry all day on my birthday.  Christmas is coming up and i’m told that the DJ just couldn’t afford to really buy me many presents for Christmas this year even though I make less money than he does and I have two kids to support and i have $400 per paycheck that comes out straight away for all of my benefits.

He just couldn’t afford it.  but he bought “The family” a DVR for our camera system and a hard drive for it.  Why couldn’t that wait till he filed taxes and got his refund back?? Or why couldn’t that just be something that we bought together?  I spent lots of time selecting his gifts.  I bought myself stuff too and wrapped it up because i had a feeling.  whatever.

I’m just broken hearted that i’m sleeping on the couch.  my side of our bed is filled with a bunch of shit and it looks like a garage sale or a hoarders home.  If he wants to invite me back into our bed then he’ll have to be really sweet to me in order to get me back in the bed.I just don’t know where i am or who i am anymore.

Resignation…

What is it about women who follow the same pattern of mate selection time after time?? I don’t mean occasionally or the ones who get two bad apples (Not that the DJ is inherently bad but he does hold to some patterns of previous people I’ve dated.)  I’m referring to the women who consistently end up with the same sort of man over and over.

Specifically my concern is WHY do wind up with the same sort of man over and over but other women manage to escape that rut.  Even when I try dating someone who is WAY different from other men I’ve been with it’s like that saying “The more things change, the more they remain the same.”  Maybe the issue is “The more the men change, the more I remain the same.”

We can look at my past and summarize things that apply to me that may be contributing factors to my engaging in this sort of relationship again and again.

Summary:
Adult child of an alcoholic
Molested at age 6.
Sexually abused from age 8  – 13
Teased and bullied by my father from age 7 up.
Teased and bullied by my classmates from age 7 on.
I have been a victim of rape.
Absentee father from birth until age 20
Continue reading Resignation…

Dear ADHD: i hate you

My girl is struggling lately.I think that she has aspergers and her ADHD is causing ridiculous problems.  yesterday she was told to do the dishes.  she refused.  The DJ told her she should go hang up laundry with her brother.  she said okay.  So what happens? She goes and sits in the closet and reads.  Her brother says “GIRLCHILD.  DJ Said to Help hang and fold laundry.  I don’t have to do YOURS.  HELP ME!”

She says no and something derogatory to him. The DJ goes into their room and witnesses this:

Boy child turns exasperated at his sister “Girlchild! help me fold laundry.”

Girl child punches the boy in the nose. “You didn’t say please!” she cried.

 

So she’s in trouble.  she has to be her brother’s assistant for a week and do as he bids.  She is also grounded from electronics until after january 2nd.  I just can’t.